Raising one’s child is complicated enough, and one can write volumes about the challenges and beauties of parenting.
However, there is a topic that our families and society tend to avoid: looking after somebody else’s child, whether in the long or short term.
This might include having a child living with you permanently, such as through adoption, as a stepchild, or as the child of a friend or family member. You might be requested to babysit for a day, weekend, or week on a temporary basis.
Taking care of someone else’s child means assuming the role of a parent to a youngster who is not biologically yours. There is an implicit responsibility and expectation to fulfil that role.
The biological parent or family may perceive the act of caregiving as a social ‘exchange’ in which the host parent should naturally assume some level of responsibility due to familial or social bonds.
One might hear, “A ke rate mosadi ole, o tshwenya ngwanaka!” (I do not like that woman; she ill-treats my child). In this case, a mother expresses her frustration with her sister-in-law, who is tasked with looking after her child. This is not to say the child is lying or being ill-treated, but there are all kinds of complexities in this type of relationship.
As a result, the host parent may not feel adequately ‘rewarded’ for their efforts, leading to dissatisfaction or conflict. “Dankie ya mosotho kae tshaba!” (I dread African gratitude). The changing family structure and socio-economic conditions in African communities, from Kenya to South Africa, makes this a timely intervention.
I use a combination of Attachment Theory and Social Exchange Theory to frame this familiar discussion. This should provide a comprehensive framework for understanding the challenges of raising someone else’s child. Attachment Theory sheds light on the emotional and psychological aspects, while Social Exchange Theory helps explain the relational tensions arising from perceived inequalities in effort, emotional investment and expectations.
My intention here is not to discuss values, traditions, or conduct but rather to explore the dynamics of having “someone’s child” in your life in one way or another. Unfortunately, this scenario has strained relationships between brothers, sisters, cousins, families, neighbours and friends.
Firstly, the child is often sensitive to rebuke or any intervention by the host parent. George Homans’ Social Exchange Theory helps to explain their sensitivity to how they are treated compared to the host parent’s biological children. In this regard, the child is subconsciously alert to how they are spoken to, disciplined, or assigned chores. They are constantly on the lookout for slip-ups and compare their situation with that of the host’s biological children.
Secondly, there is a predominantly sense of ‘empty love’ between the child and the host parent, hindering the development of a strong emotional parent-child bond. To deepen our understanding of this complex dynamic, we can apply Attachment Theory, originally developed by British psychologist John Bowlby. This theory offers valuable insights into the emotional bonds that form—or fail to form—between children and their caregivers.
Thirdly, the host parent may not be psychologically, emotionally or socially prepared for this relationship. This becomes particularly problematic when there is interaction with the child’s biological parent, as in cases of foster parenting or step-parenting. Even with the best intentions, the host parent may not be emotionally equipped or available to meet the child’s attachment needs, leading to what Bowlby terms “insecure attachment”.
Fourthly, communication between parties is always based on real and/ or imagined assumptions.
Rarely do people take the time to discuss how this ‘parenting triangle’ should be managed or worked, which allows everyone, including the child, to exploit these gaps—especially during moments of tension or misunderstanding.
Finally, this type of arrangement can lead to unintended favouritism or neglect, whether intentional or not. The host parent may feel conflicted between their biological children and the child in their care, further complicating matters. A subtle divide can emerge as the host parent struggles to distribute attention equally, leading the child to perceive unfair treatment or a lack of affection.
This issue worsens when the host parent is dealing with pressures, making it difficult to be as emotionally available as the situation requires. She is sometimes unaware that she has to act as a parent. In this case, Attachment Theory helps to explain why many of these caregiving relationships struggle. Host parents may not realise that their ability to provide consistent emotional responsiveness—beyond fulfilling the child’s basic needs—is crucial for the child’s sense of security.
The lack of an emotional bond, referred to earlier as ‘empty love’, can indicate this insecure attachment. As a result, the child may feel emotionally neglected or unsupported, further complicating the relationship. Consequently, the child may resist being parented or threaten to complicate the problem in one or more ways.
Insecure attachment is especially true if the child has already experienced emotional displacement from their biological parent. In such cases, the child may develop an anxious or avoidant attachment style, becoming hypervigilant about the host parent’s behaviour or withdrawn in their interactions.
Furthermore, societal expectations often add fuel to the fire. In many cultures, extended families or close friends are expected to take on such responsibilities without question. However, this assumption overlooks the complexities that arise when the emotional, psychological and social dynamics of raising someone else's child come into play.
The burden of ‘doing right’ by a child who isn’t biologically yours can lead to frustration or guilt, especially when the biological parent has a different approach to discipline or nurturing. In some cases, the host parent may feel judged, either by the biological parent or society, for how they manage the child, creating a constant state of tension.
Social Exchange Theory suggests that the host parent may unconsciously assess the emotional and social costs of the relationship, such as the added responsibilities, emotional labour or tensions with the biological parent. If these costs begin to feel overwhelming, especially when the emotional bond is weak (as explained by Attachment Theory), the host parent might experience resentment or disengagement.
The child, too, is not immune to these tensions. Being placed in a new home or under the care of someone else is already an upheaval. Depending on the circumstances that led to the arrangement, children may feel abandoned, confused or resentful. In this regard, Attachment Theory suggests that children need consistent, emotionally responsive caregiving to develop a secure attachment, which provides a foundation for healthy emotional and social development.
They may not fully understand why they are being looked after by someone else, leading to feelings of displacement. The absence of their biological parents may translate into a lack of emotional security, making the child more defensive, sensitive, or difficult to manage.
As mentioned, open communication, namely discussions that lay out clear expectations, boundaries and emotional realities for all parties involved, is missing in these situations. These conversations could bridge the gap between assumptions and reality, helping the host parent, the child and the biological parent better understand each other. Without these dialogues, misunderstandings fester and create an environment ripe for tension and mistrust.
In conclusion, looking after someone else’s child, whether temporarily or permanently, is not a simple matter of duty or responsibility. It involves a complex web of emotions, societal expectations and relational dynamics that may test even the most resilient bonds within families or society.
“It takes a village to raise a child”. Kuphi la?
